June 10, 2009

The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen:

Let’s just get this out of the way early. This cinematic masterpiece is a 1938 Western Musical starring only midgets.

Have you regained consciousness? Starring the same troupe of little people that would go on to be the Munchkins in The Wizard Of Oz the following year, this Western work of genius is the first film ever to feature only midgets.This movie is amazing. An epic of small proportions. And I don’t just mean that because it stars small people, but because this masterpiece of cinematic art is only 63 minutes long.

Let’s get something else out of the way. I’m not sure what to call them, but I think the PC term is little people. Yet doesn’t that just sound worse? Anyway, the movie itself refers to the actors as midgets, so that’s what I’ll do. OK? Also, I’m sure some of the actors in this film are dwarfs, but without the use of a ruler to measure proportions, they will all be referred to as midgets.

Oh, and one more thing to get out of the way. Before you start saying that this article is insulting towards midgets, let me tell you something. My best friend is a midget. And I’m currently dating a midget. And my favorite teacher in school, the one who believed in me and told me to keep trying, was a midget. And my father is very short. Danny DeVito size.

When watching this film, a strange event occurs. You know how in Lord of the Rings when it’s a bunch of Hobbits standing around, you forget they are small. That is until Gandalf walks up and you’re like, hey, they are small. Well, in this movie, Gandalf never shows up. With midget sized furniture and an all-midget cast, you actually forget you are watching midgets. So, to ensure you never forget I’m describing a midget movie during this midget article, I’ll repeat the word midget as much as possible. Midget.

Is this movie played straight? Or is it a comedy? Well, certainly there are comedic moments and sight gags. But dammit if they don’t take the plot and the romance and the fight scene very seriously.

How awesome is this movie? Let me count the ways…

- The credits open with the following text: Jed Buell’s Midgets In … The Terror Of Tiny Town … With An All-Midget Cast.

- The actual film begins when we cut to Tiny Town, a standard Western city, except with all midgets. As the movie opens, a dozen or so midgets are singing a working song about how great it is to live in Tiny Town. Most of the male midgets are shirtless.

- These actors do not ride horses. Instead they ride Shetland ponies, which they still have trouble getting on and off of.

- The plot is actually surprisingly complex. Something about a man, and some cattle, and family feuds. Anyway, what’s crazy is that it’s a normal plot that has nothing to do with them being midgets. In fact, it’s never actually mentioned that they are midgets.

- So there’s this kick ass villain. He’s one of those midgets who is pudgy. You know the type. And he shoots this old man midget, Tex, from something like 400 feet away. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is that most props are midget sized. But all the guns are full size, and they look HUGE.

- Old Tex has a cook, who has a goatee, and dresses like a French chef. And he speaks in, I think, a German accent. At one point he walks up to Tex with a duck, is shot, gets up and chases the duck for a very, very long extended sequence, with an axe behind his back. When in the kitchen, the chef actually walks right into a cabinet to retrieve ingredients.

- A man comes into town. He says, “I have a little job to do.” Not sure if that was an intentional joke.

- The hero, Buck Lawson, saves a woman midget from a stagecoach attack. They fall in love. When getting back on the stagecoach, he says, “Maybe you’d rather ride on top with me?” And it is awesome.

- Early on, we enter a barbershop. Of course, a midget quartet is singing. These guys have Van Buren beards. Three sing like Munchkins, and the fourth has a dubbed, deep, full voice. Also, this is where we see the only black midget in all of Tiny Town.

- At the saloon, customers walk under the swinging doors instead of through them. Once inside, a midget prostitute and a midget with an eye patch sing a duet. A band performs, and it takes two midgets to play the full size cello. The bartender chugs a full size glass. It’s so funny they show the same footage not once, but twice.

- The villain hits on Buck’s girlfriend. Says: “Someday, I’ll be the biggest man in this county?” Again, intentional?

- The hero, Buck Lawson, has been falsely imprisoned. His girlfriend releases him, and as she runs out, instead of running around a desk, she runs right under it.

- And then the end. Buck Lawson and the villain get into a huge, three minute fight sequence in a house. But really, its three minutes of them slapping each other in the face. Then some kicking. Then wrestling on the bottom of a bunk bed, which then falls over. Then they start throwing chairs. Buck narrowly escapes the secretly dynamite rigged house with the villain still inside when – BOOM. The house explodes, Buck is reunited with his girlfriend, and the film ends with a big kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you’ve seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. The Terror Of Tiny Town.

Via NationalLampoon


Anonymous said...

don't forget the equally awesome all midget cast of "Even Dwarves Started Small" about inmates in an asylum


Gillian said...

sweet jebus that was amazing

Mike said...

Some people HAVEN'T seen this? That's a crime. You're performing a public service, Ron.

Anonymous said...

the blonde haired cowboy was in 'freaks'(1934), an even better movie. hope things are well with you, ron.